I want to share a story that will forever stay in my heart. One that has grown my appreciation for honesty and courage, and lastly.... one that has helped me find forgiveness.
A few years back, I had a boyfriend who I will call Fred in this blog. Fred and I were in a relationship for about 1 year in college. Our relationship was filled with love, laughter, great memories, and getting to know each other's culture and family. I'm not saying we were truly "in love," but I definitely will say we had a strong connection where we loved and appreciated each other as individuals. Fred treated me so well, honestly. He was caring, inclusive, bought me a bike for Christmas, welcomed me into his family, let me boss him around when I was in a spoiled mood, and supported me in every way possible. I became very close with his little sister, who eventually called me "big sis." Fred turned into a best friend, not just a boyfriend. I trusted Fred, and Fred trusted me.
About a year into the relationship, Fred and I eventually started growing a part. Inevitably like most college relationships, Fred and I broke up. There was no major heartbreak, but rather us just naturally growing a part and moving on with our lives that were going in two different directions. I was at peace with the break-up because like I said, I viewed our relationship as one with trust, honesty and laughter... who could regret something like that? Fred and I remained friends, and I still stayed in touch with his family for awhile... but we eventually all just moved on with our lives and very rarely spoke.
About a year later, I got a phone call from Fred asking if I had some time to talk. A bit surprised because I hadn't seen his name pop up on my phone for a long, long time, I said of course I have time to talk. I asked if everything was okay, and he said it was and that he just needed to get something off his chest. Fred told me that he had written a letter that he wanted to read to me. He said he wrote the letter to make sure he didn't forget any details, and also to make sure he said everything right. At this point, I was confused as hell. Fred wrote me a letter!?
Fred began to read the letter he wrote to me. I wish I remembered his exact words, but it started along the lines of how he enjoyed the time we spent together, and that he appreciated the person I was when we were in a relationship. He started telling me what he had been up to since he and I broke up, especially about his journey in becoming closer to God and his Christianity. Fred said by becoming closer to God and Jesus, he's realized so many things about himself, life and the world. In becoming closer to his spirituality, Fred told me he felt strongly compelled to confess all of his wrongdoings and ask for forgiveness. He told me that he wanted to tell me the truth about something that happened when we were together. My heart started beating a little faster... What was Fred about to tell me?
Then he hit me with it. "Kristin, I cheated on you.... twice."
My heart sunk. My eyes started filling with tears. My heart ached. It had been 1 year since Fred and I had broken up. Why did it hurt so much when he told me he cheated on me? Because I trusted Fred. Even after we had broken up, I always praised Fred to others... "Fred was the best, most loyal boyfriend I've ever had." "Fred treated me better than any one."
Fred continued reading his letter, his voice shaky because of what he was admitting to -- something shameful. Fred said he was so sorry for hurting me, but that he wanted to be honest. He said that he made stupid decisions which lead him to being unfaithful during the time we were together. Crying, I asked him when he did it and with who... and he told me everything. Fred told me that I deserved to know the truth, and that what he did when we were together was hurtful, unfair and not right. He said that he wanted to make things right by being honest. Fred explained that he was trying to connect with everyone he's ever done anything wrong to and apologize for hurting them... and I was at the top of his list.
And then, his letter was over.
I got off the phone, and felt so betrayed and angry. Who did he think he was? I sat in bed for a long time... thinking, remembering, and wondering. Several hours went by, and I eventually fell asleep.
The next day when I woke up, I found myself immediately remembering the conversation I had with Fred the day before. But now, I wasn't angry. It dawned on me --- Although what Fred did when we were together was not honorable, he was probably the most honorable man I knew after that conversation... a person who was truly trying to become a better person. He admitted that he cheated twice. He admitted to his wrongdoings. He was trying to do what was right not just with me, but everyone else he's ever hurt. How many people really do that? How many people self-reflect and do something about their self reflections, especially the negative ones? How many people own their faults and try to make things better in the most honest way possible... which sometimes means simply, being painfully honest?
Fred is someone I will always respect. He cheated on me twice, but admitted to it and took accountability. We are human. We all make mistakes. We all have deep dark secrets. We all make poor choices that can cause pain to others.
BUT. You know what we also have? We all have the ability and capacity to own our mistakes, admit to our wrongdoings, make changes, and then be forgiven.
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Thank you, Fred. I've forgiven you.
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Just don't do it again.
:-)
