An Honest Cheater

I want to share a story that will forever stay in my heart. One that has grown my appreciation for honesty and courage, and lastly.... one that has helped me find forgiveness.


A few years back, I had a boyfriend who I will call Fred in this blog. Fred and I were in a relationship for about 1 year in college. Our relationship was filled with love, laughter, great memories, and getting to know each other's culture and family. I'm not saying we were truly "in love," but I definitely will say we had a strong connection where we loved and appreciated each other as individuals. Fred treated me so well, honestly. He was caring, inclusive, bought me a bike for Christmas, welcomed me into his family, let me boss him around when I was in a spoiled mood, and supported me in every way possible. I became very close with his little sister, who eventually called me "big sis." Fred turned into a best friend, not just a boyfriend. I trusted Fred, and Fred trusted me.

About a year into the relationship, Fred and I eventually started growing a part. Inevitably like most college relationships, Fred and I broke up. There was no major heartbreak, but rather us just naturally growing a part and moving on with our lives that were going in two different directions. I was at peace with the break-up because like I said, I viewed our relationship as one with trust, honesty and  laughter... who could regret something like that? Fred and I remained friends, and I still stayed in touch with his family for awhile... but we eventually all just moved on with our lives and very rarely spoke.

About a year later, I got a phone call from Fred asking if I had some time to talk. A bit surprised because  I hadn't seen his name pop up on my phone for a long, long time, I said of course I have time to talk. I asked if everything was okay, and he said it was and that he just needed to get something off his chest. Fred told me that he had written a letter that he wanted to read to me. He said he wrote the letter to make sure he didn't forget any details, and also to make sure he said everything right. At this point, I was confused as hell. Fred wrote me a letter!?

Fred began to read the letter he wrote to me. I wish I remembered his exact words, but it started along the lines of how he enjoyed the time we spent together, and that he appreciated the person I was when we were in a relationship. He started telling me what he had been up to since he and I broke up, especially about his journey in becoming closer to God and his Christianity. Fred said by becoming closer to God and Jesus, he's realized so many things about himself, life and the world. In becoming closer to his spirituality, Fred told me he felt strongly compelled to confess all of his wrongdoings and ask for forgiveness. He told me that he wanted to tell me the truth about something that happened when we were together. My heart started beating a little faster... What was Fred about to tell me?


Then he hit me with it. "Kristin, I cheated on you.... twice."


My heart sunk. My eyes started filling with tears. My heart ached. It had been 1 year since Fred and I had broken up. Why did it hurt so much when he told me he cheated on me? Because I trusted Fred. Even after we had broken up, I always praised Fred to others... "Fred was the best, most loyal boyfriend I've ever had." "Fred treated me better than any one."


Fred continued reading his letter, his voice shaky because of what he was admitting to -- something shameful. Fred said he was so sorry for hurting me, but that he wanted to be honest. He said that he made stupid decisions which lead him to being unfaithful during the time we were together. Crying, I asked him when he did it and with who... and he told me everything. Fred told me that I deserved to know the truth, and that what he did when we were together was hurtful, unfair and not right. He said that he wanted to make things right by being honest.  Fred explained that he was trying to connect with everyone he's ever done anything wrong to and apologize for hurting them... and I was at the top of his list.

And then, his letter was over.

I got off the phone, and felt so betrayed and angry. Who did he think he was? I sat in bed for a long time... thinking, remembering, and wondering. Several hours went by, and I eventually fell asleep.

The next day when I woke up, I found myself immediately remembering the conversation I had with Fred the day before. But now, I wasn't angry. It dawned on me --- Although what Fred did when we were together was not honorable, he was probably the most honorable man I knew after that conversation... a person who was truly trying to become a better person. He admitted that he cheated twice. He admitted to his wrongdoings. He was trying to do what was right not just with me, but everyone else he's ever hurt. How many people really do that? How many people self-reflect and do something about their self reflections, especially the negative ones? How many people own their faults and try to make things better in the most honest way possible... which sometimes means simply, being painfully honest?


Fred is someone I will always respect. He cheated on me twice, but admitted to it and took accountability. We are human. We all make mistakes. We all have deep dark secrets. We all make poor choices that can cause pain to others.

BUT. You know what we also have? We all have the ability and capacity to own our mistakes, admit to our wrongdoings, make changes, and then be forgiven.








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Thank you, Fred. I've forgiven you.



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Just don't do it again.


:-)

Making it Happen.

 At any moment in time, you can stop in your tracks and decide you want change. You may not be happy with where you are. You may not be satisfied with what you're doing. You may not feel like you've reached your maximum potential.

 Good news is, you can change that... but only if you really want to.

A couple things to dig into and think about..

.

First, how much do you honestly love yourself? Seems like a simple question, but it's really not. Ask yourself this question and answer it honestly. Do you absolutely love, appreciate and cherish your mind, body, and spirit? What do you value about youself? Before you can change anything about your life, you got to love yourself first. And if you don't, this is the very first step you need to acheive before moving on to anything else.
Make a list of every single thing you love about yourself, and keep this list on you at all times.
 --- Humbly own the characteristics you love about yourself ---

Second,  what do you dislike about yourself? What do you want to work on? What are things you want to master to become a better person? Loyalty, passion towards something, honesty, communication skills, leadership.
Make a list of every thing you want to become.
--- You must know what you want in order to truly strive for it--

Third, make a plan with who you want to be as your end goal, create deadlines for yourself to get there, and....execute. Making things happen, aka execution, is tough. It's not easy - it takes work. It takes dedication, commitment, discipline and a whole lot of accountability. But if you want true change in your life, you will make it happen.
 --- You're the only one that can Make it Happen ---

Fourth, what brings you down? Unhealthy friendships, drugs, alcohol, procrastination, drama.... Get rid of all the things that are getting in your way. These things must go... this is a non-negotiable. Don't allow anything to get in your way... and if there are things getting in your way, hold yourself accountable to making those things disappear. Put your foot down and take control of your life by making the decision and acting on it to not be involved with negative energy. This is hard to do, especially if you've been living through negativity your whole life. Letting go of the negativity may be the most difficult thing you'll ever do, but it is the most necessary... if you want true change, that is. --- Surround yourself with positive energy... Make this one of your non-negotiables ---

Fifth, find mentors: one to nurture and cheer you on, one to smack the heck out of you when you're taking big steps backwards, one to advise you, and the most important one of all....
--- one you want to be like --- 

Sixth, hold yourself accountable to your plan.

 --- Don't let yourself, the most important person in your life, down ---

Seventh: Be proactively patient.
--- Enjoy every minute of this journey of becoming the person you want to be --- (See blog entitled "proactive patience")

 

Last but not least....
watch yourself become the best damn person you can be.

You got to make it happen.

You're the only one that can.

Your Story.

Everyone has their own story to tell. Our stories describe who we are and why. Our stories are made up of all memories and experiences (both conscious and subconscious) starting from the day we were born. As we grow older, our stories will become longer, deeper, and more complex. 

 The more you live... truly live... the more valuable your story becomes.  

Our lives are stories because they are meant to be shared. They are not meant for us to keep to ourselves. Our stories are meant to teach, guide and mentor others. This is what makes life so interesting.... every single one of us has something different to teach, to inspire. We each come from different places and we each have gone through different obstacles... and as a result, we each love differently, give differently and perceive differently. 

A lot of times we tend to form judgment towards others when their perspectives and views do not match our own. The reason we form judgment is because we do not stop and learn the other person's story first. If we first learned their story, we would understand their perspective much more... and therefore we would not be so inclined to judge because we now understand where they are coming from and why they perceive something the way they do.  

Do you believe that co-habitation is okay?  What experience do you have with co-habitation? Have you personally seen a couple live together first before marriage, and have witnessed it be a successful marriage? Or have you seen the opposite? How did that affect your perspective on co-habitation?

Do you believe in abortion? Have you ever had an abortion or know someone close to you that did? How did that affect your perspective on abortion?

What do you think about homosexuals? Are you homosexual? Do you know someone who is?  How has that affected your perspective on homosexuality?

Do you believe in religion? Were you raised a certain religion? Do your parents practice a certain religion or do not they not? How has that affected your perspective on religion?

Do you believe that divorce is okay? Are your parents divorced? How has that affected your perspective on divorce?

By learning someone's story, you're learning the whys behind their perspective. Not one person on earth has the right answer... not the president, not your mom, and not you. What we each DO have is our perspectives and what we've learned from what we've been through, what we've seen... and what has personally affected us.... our story.

Share your story and teach.

Listen to stories and learn.  

Winning Sometimes Means Losing

Think back in your life.... what experiences have made you YOU?

The times you've won first place?
The times you've been happy?
The times you've been recognized as being the best at something?
The times you've received exactly what you wanted?


I personally LOVE winning first place.... I LOVE being happy.... I LOVE receiving recognition... And I love getting what I want. Through out my whole life, I've been pretty fortunate to experience all of the amazing feelings accompanied by the above. And I know as a result, I have grown and learned from these gratifying experiences. 

But you know what has truly created me? ... what has shaped my opinions, beliefs, values and perspective? What has taught me humility, appreciation, respect, true ambition and charisma? 
Those times I did not win first place... the times I lost.
The times I was not happy.... the times I felt sad and lonely.
The times I didn't get what I wanted so badly... the times I felt aggravated and mad at life.
The times I was not recognized.... the times I felt left out, not appreciated, not important.

In other words,

Winning sometimes means losing. 

When we feel defeated, we have to pick ourselves back up. We have no choice. We become STRONGER human beings when we go through a loss. We then work harder, dig deeper, think more critically, and challenge ourselves to step outside our box. When we are at low points in life, we are forced to pick ourselves back up and learn what we will do differently next time.

If we can look at "losing" as enriching and life-changing, we are not really losing! We are WINNING, because we are pushing ourselves to be stronger, wiser, and better. 

Be a winner, even if you lose.

(NOTE: If you continue to "lose" over and over at the same thing, the above does not apply. That's a whole other story. Stay tuned.) 

The Secret to Becoming Rich

The secret to becoming rich is no real secret at all.

It's not about working longer hours. It's not about marrying a rich man/woman. It's not about winning the damn lotto. It's not even about getting a better education.

It is simply about.. giving with genuine, selfless intentions. 

The key to giving is selflessness. Please, do not donate to a charity with the intentions of having good karma and becoming rich later on. The people I know who are truly rich, financially and emotionally, are the ones that give all they've got... money and love... for the purpose of truly helping others. These people do not even think about what they will get back in return later on. They give because they want to. It's these people who are the richest I know. They are happy, whole, at peace, full of love, and have just enough money they need to live how they want to. They've been blessed with money because they use it to help others.



Work hard and give selflessly. Love hard and give selflessly. And then, become rich.

The Sweetest Revenge

 "Try to make him jealous... trust me, he'll come crawling back to you." "Screw her! You deserve better than that &^%$." "She's too immature and unappreciative for you, you deserve better." "Just go hook up with someone else, it'll help you get over him." 

I hear people all the time giving each other "this" type of advice on how to get revenge on an ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend. And, well....

I can guarantee that the above statements will not help you get over someone. If anything, that way of thinking will only put a band-aide over the wound... and on top of that, it's no way of working towards being the best person you can be. I don't care if someone has cheated on you or a friend has betrayed you... never wish someone bad. The sweetest revenge is doing the exact opposite -- it's sincerely wishing them the best and then bidding farewell.

I'm not saying this is easy... In fact, this is extremely hard to do. We are human, we are not perfect... When we are hurt, rejected or betrayed by someone else, our defenses automatically come up and we want the other person to feel what we are feeling. We become angry, resentful, and revengeful.

It takes maturity, faith, a damn good heart, and a wise mind to wish someone the best even if they hurt or betrayed you. 

You want to get over someone with dignity? You want to get the absolute sweetest revenge? 


 Wish them the best, truly... and then...

 move the hell on.

Balance... is the best.

It's easy to become addicted to something that makes you feel good in the moment. Food, a hobby, a person, exercising, friggin' FACEBOOK, even work sometimes (damn workaholics... I'm one of them), alcohol, partying.... Too much of anything can turn into being too much of really.. nothing.

Too much exercise can hurt your body.
Too much work can affect your social life.

Too much of someone can just make you annoyed of that person.
Too much food (even if it's healthy) can cause you to gain weight.

Too much of something, no matter how "healthy" it may seem, is not good for you.

That's why finding balance in life is so damn important. A lot of people have so many wants and desires.. but for some reason they feel like they "do not have time" to do what they want to do (get in shape, have a relationship, make more friends, see family more often, etc). One possible solution to this is finding a balance so you're not doing too much of one thing... and as a result, you'll make time for the other things you want to accomplish.

For my workaholics (like me!): Work only 8 hours a days. This way, you'll have time to work out a few times a week after you leave the office, you'll be able to go out to a social event one night a week and meet new people, and you'll actually have some time for yourself.

For my party people: Go out and party (and drink) only once a week. This way, you'll feel more energized everyday (because you'll be going to sleep earlier and waking up earlier), you'll have time to find activities that are more purposeful (not that partying isn't! :)), and you'll be limiting the amount of alcohol you're drinking (and cigarettes if you smoke). 

For my salsa dancers!!: As hard as this is (trust me I KNOW!!), go out dancing only once a week. This way, you'll actually be able to have a life outside the scene!!! I know first hand how hard it could be to resist the urge to go dancing. But, remember... too much of something is not good for you. Try to limit yourself to one night of dancing a week so you can have opportunities to do other activities to diversify yourself, meet other types of people, focus more on work, and focus more on yourself.

For my relationship people <3: Try to spend only 2 (maybe 3 but that's pushing it) days a week with your bf/gf. This will help you maintain your social life outside the relationship because you'll have more time to spend with friends, it will give you a chance to actually miss your bf/gf which will keep your relationship alive and passionate, and it will allow you time for just yourself.

(I'm not saying you should literally follow the limitations I listed above as far as amount of days/week for a certain activity. I'm just throwing examples out there to illustrate my point.)

If we overdo a certain activity or spend a ton of time being around someone we like, a lot of times we end up not feeling good about the activity or the person.. Why? Because we eventually start taking it/them for granted. Having a balanced life helps you appreciate what you love to do the most and who you love to be with the most. It helps you not take these things and people for granted.

Find balance in your life so you have time to do everything and anything you want to do.

Proactive Patience

What motivates my actions today is my faith in what's to come tomorrow.

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There is something about people who are patient. They are collected and calm, and they command this sense of respect. What I admire the most is when a person is proactively patient. 

Proactive patience is doing all that you can do to be the best person/employee/friend/parent/sibling/partner today, in preparation for amazing results tomorrow. Proactive patience is finding the balance between maximizing the present, enjoying the present and being thankful for what you have in the now, and planning, preparing and driving your future.

For example, your goal is to get to senior level management for a corporate company. Many people focus too much on just wanting to get that title and pay grade rather than maximizing their experience and journey it takes to get there, and the relationships made along the way. On top of that, while focusing too much on the future, they do a half-ass job in the present. On the contrary, proactively patient people become experts at what they do in the now... because they understand that the knowledge and expertise they gain in the now will be the driving force to what elevates them to the next level.. say, senior management level. They know that without becoming experts at what they do now, they will never be able to become experts at what they do at the next level in the future.

Proactive patience applies to all areas of life.. not just the professional world. It may be even more important in your personal life..

For example, you want to find the man/woman of your dreams. You want a relationship, you want to give yourself to someone, you want to fall in love. So many people go out of their way and search for that person, sometimes even making themselves believe that they are "in love" with someone when they really are not.  The most successful couples I've witnessed, however, are the ones who focused first on making themselves, individually, the best they can be in the now, so that they can be the best partner to someone else in the future. They were being proactively patient in "the now".

 By being proactively patient, you are deliberately planning and executing daily routines, activities, and challenges, and working as hard you can in the now... with the intent of reaching a certain goal in the future. 

In other words....

Proactive patience is deliberately setting yourself up for future success... but enjoying every minute of the journey you take to get there.